When I’ve Been Drinking

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Last night I had a drink called a Mardi Gras,
And when I’m drunk let me know where the parties are,
But not the parties that go on till three,
Because by then I’m in bed with a cup of tea,
See when I drink wine, I tend to whine,
I’ll be asleep with a headache by half past nine,
No matter the colour, if it’s white or red,
It’s guaranteed to go straight to my head,
Now because vodka’s clear, I pretend it’s not there,
So when I drink it, I leave nothing to spare,
It starts off with dancing and a permanent grin,
Then I lose control of my words and the world starts to spin,
Now when I drink gin, I’m sophisticated,
Though I tend to get a little opinionated,
But it’s hard to have a debate and act really posh,
When I’ve swapped tonic water for orange squash,
Now when I drink Tequila, I throw up a lot,
So it’s your own damn fault if you buy me a shot,
I can’t handle my booze but let me educate,
There’s a reason people call me a featherweight,
And when I drink cocktails, I’m a bit of a flirt,
As long as you promise you’re not a pervert,
And if all goes well, then you’re in for a shock,
Hold the tail, I’ll just have the c- 

 -bill please.
Just the bill.
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