The Complications of Loneliness

Loneliness is an impossible thing. Now, if you know me, you’ll be familiar with me complaining about my lack of a significant other nearly ten times a day and constantly demanding to be set up on dates. (No, not with him.) It also won’t be a shock for you to know that, through periods of isolation, I’ve developed compulsive urges to latch on to certain celebrities like a day-dreaming, poetry writing, parasite for indefinite periods of time. (Definitely not Kevin Bacon. That would be weird.) However, I’ve learnt this only serves to sadden me more. These celebrities are too hot for me, too rich for me and most, more often then not, too old for me; that’s excluding the fact that it’s just not going to happen. There are only so many marriage proposals in which I’m speaking both parts of the conversation I can go through without realising that, if this were miraculously to become real, I would have nine gorgeous husbands, none of whom I could ever satisfy because of my distinctly lacking knowledge of sexual encounters. So, instead, I’d actually have nine, gorgeous, cheating husbands, and no career since I’d have to stay home to cook the polyamorous dinner and read from The Book of Mormon.
The point I’m making is not to wallow in my loneliness but to bask in it. There’s no use in daydreaming of the perfect man or even wistfully praying that the person you’ve only met once is going to take you away from the banality of middle class life. If they were going to, they would have by now. Instead, make rejection your bitch, soak up your despondency and take the opportunity to be whoever the fuck you want to be because you have seriously no-one in your life who needs impressing. Eat the ice cream in your freezer, love the chub, sing all the parts of Les Miserables alone in your kitchen (it never happened.) Just take all the time in the world to be alone. Then, when you find out that it’s alright to have no-one, to make friends with yourself instead of every almost stranger in your geography class, please don’t change that attitude when you do find someone.
For now though, I will sprawl out starfish style on my side and also my side of my double bed and I will wake up in the morning after having deteriorated considerably throughout the night and I will watch 36 hours worth of Friends over the next two days because there are certain perks to being lonely. And when I find someone, and I will find someone (probably), it’ll be an extra. a happy little bonus, and not a necessity.
Oh God I’m going to die alone.

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